Category Archives: Marriage & Family

How Don't I Love Thee?

February 14, 2011 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , , , 1 Comment

Valentine’s Day.

Upon finishing this post, I will grill for my bride and we will spend our 35th February 14th together cocooning at home. What a gift.

I confess I’m not much of a poet or even lover of poetry (much to my detriment, I suspect), but my thoughts turned today to Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s famous Sonnet 43, as I think of the love I have for Nancy.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Missing from the all in those last three lines of how I love my wife, I must all too painfully admit, until of late, would be prayers. Breath, smiles, tears, and prayers, of all my life.

The conviction of this lack came strong from God at the Desiring God pastor’s conference a couple of weeks ago with Joel Beeke’s message on family worship. In the panel discussion the day after that message, someone asked the speakers how well they fare in applying the principles Dr. Beeke taught from the example of the Puritans. Beeke himself claimed to have never failed in one day of 22 years of marriage to have prayed with his wife, even from the road when he travels! I felt about two inches tall.

Francis Chan, on the other hand, brought things back to the reality for most of us, I suspect, when he admitted he might pray with his bride once a week at best. He admitted that Beeke’s message hit him hard. No duh.

Then John Piper chimed in with his admission that he finds it easy to pray in public as a pastor but hard to pray in private with his wife. He added, “If we show in public an intimacy with the most important relationship we have vertically with God by the way we pray, but fail to demonstrate that in the most intimate relationship we have horizontally, something is amiss.” He got that right. Knock me down another inch.

So I came home from Minneapolis determined to do differently. Have to admit, last night, I dropped the ball again. Praise God for the gospel. But by and large the Lord has helped me take a different tack in our home and I am grateful.

How do I love thee, dear Nancy? Lord, help me to repent in the most grievous way I do not.

Dads in the Gap

February 3, 2011 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , , , Leave a comment

Learned something I didn’t know before from the DG pastor’s conference this week.

Rick Husband, the commander of the Shuttle Columbia that disintegrated upon reentry to earth’s atmosphere back in February of 2003, loved Jesus and cared deeply for his wife and children.

Before he lifted off into space, Husband recorded a series of videos of him leading family worship for every one of the days he would spend away from them in space. He also led a weekly prayer group at his church called Dads in the Gap.

A portion of a videotape of his was played at the memorial service at his church. In it he said this:

If I ended up at the end of my life having been an astronaut, but having sacrificed my family along the way or living my life in a way that didn’t glorify God, then I would look back on it with great regret. Having become an astronaut would not really have mattered all that much. And I finally came to realize that what really meant the most to me was to try and live my life the way God wanted me to and to try and be a good husband to Evelyn and to be a good father to my children.

Joel Beeke referenced Husband and his passion for leading his home in family worship in a message well worth hearing by every family man.

You can listen to the audio here.

May God give us men who stand in the gap for their wives and children.

Two Are Better Than One

October 9, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , , , 8 Comments

Tomorrow at 3 PM, Lord willing, I will have the privilege of marrying my son, Joshua, to his betrothed, Emily in a park in south Orlando.

I plan to present my message charge to them from Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. 10 For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! 11 Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? 12 And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.

There is a scene in the movie Gladiator where Maximus, played by Russell Crowe, leads a group of fighters into the Roman Coliseum to face not one another, but some unknown foe. The gladiators have no idea what kind of battle awaits them. Just before they step into the arena, Maximus pleads with them: If we stick together, we have a much better chance of surviving whatever is going to come out of the other tunnels.

He invoked, knowingly or unknowingly, a principle of ancient wisdom contained in the Bible in Ecclesiastes 4. It was written by one of the wisest men to ever live – King Solomon. And it is supremely applicable to the reality of marriage. Two are better than one. It follows some verses where Solomon laments the emptiness of a person swallowed by greed who works feverishly all his life without anyone at all with which to share his life.

The reason two are better than one, v. 9 goes on to say, is because they have a good reward for their toil. The Old Testament usually uses the word reward to refer to wages rendered for work done. But here it has a wider application to that which brings a satisfactory or pleasant outcome. And nowhere is that perhaps more true than in marriage, though this passage actually never says anything at all about marriage. It speaks to the superiority of companionship on any and every level over and against the inferiority of isolation.

But clearly we aren’t off base when we apply it to marriage when we consider God Himself and His estimation of the condition of aloneness in the Garden of Eden in Gen. 2:18 when He first created the institution of marriage. It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. It’s not good, this alone thing. As a rule, though there are exceptions, two are better than one when it comes to that part of the image of God in man that is his mandate to exercise dominion and subdue the earth.

Married couples are meant to participate in the larger story of what God is doing on His earth. He leads couples to understand that together they can be more effective than apart as regent and vice-regent in the task. If this was true with Adam and Eve before their fall into sin and rebellion, how much more is it true now after sin has tainted everything in the human experience?

Every time we attend a wedding it should remind us of the gift of companionship of all kinds and the advantage it brings to our call to execute our God-given stewardship on this earth.

Hug your spouse and/or friend tomorrow and say a prayer for Josh and Em whom I toasted this way at the rehearsal dinner on Friday night:

Long life, lasting love, ferocious commitment, and the daily experience of what the wisdom writer said, “Two are better than one.”

Another Token for Good Is Born

August 7, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , 5 Comments

I am pleased to announce the birth of Lawson Elizabeth Rex to her delighted parents, Aaron and Stephanie Rex.

Miss Lawson was born at 6:15 this morning, August 7, at Winter Park Hospital. She weighed in at 6 lb. 9 oz and was 19 and 3/4 inches long. Mom and Dad are resting well after a long night!

I got to hold the newest addition to our congregation and pray over her after reading Psalms 127 and 128 with her folks.

There the Bible calls the fruit of the womb a reward. Spurgeon called babies a token for good in his treatment of Psalm 127:3 in the Treasury of David:

Children are a heritage which Jehovah himself must give, or a man will die childless, and thus his house will be unbuilt. And the fruit of the womb is his reward, or a reward from God. He gives children, not as a penalty nor as a burden, but as a favour. They are a token for good if men know how to receive them, and educate them. They are “doubtful blessings” only because we are doubtful persons. Where society is rightly ordered children are regarded, not as an incumbrance, but as an inheritance; and they are received, not with regret, but as a reward. If we are over crowded in England, and so seem to be embarrassed with too large an increase, we must remember that the Lord does not order us to remain in this narrow island, but would have us fill those boundless regions which wait for the axe and the plough. Yet even here, with all the straits of limited incomes, our best possessions are our own dear offspring, for whom we bless God every day.

Congratulations Aaron, Stephanie, and Zeke.

We look forward to meeting Lawson some Sunday morning soon!

How Do You Pastor Your Family?

July 22, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , Leave a comment

Some one sent me a helpful post on this immensely practical subject.

Here’s a tidbit:

Dads, it’s important for you to call the family together. Don’t force mom to keep looking at her watch, to always be waiting for you, to nag you to get started. Call the family together. Get the Bible. Know where/what you’re reading. Lead your family. Wives, this may be new or unfamiliar for many dads. Go easy on him. Encourage him. Honor his leadership. Don’t undermine. Don’t criticize. Model respect and love for your children to see. And remember, the kids are watching.

You can read the entire post here.

The Marriage Bed

July 20, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , 2 Comments

Ever on the lookout for additional helpful resources for areas of pastoral ministry, I recently came upon a new booklet by Ray Rhodes, Jr. entitled The Marriage Bed (Books That Nourish, Dawsonville, GA, 2010, 32 pages).

In some thirty years of premarital counseling this little gem is the first manual on sexual intimacy in Christian marriage that I have ever felt the freedom to give to a couple preparing for marriage. Here’s why.

Rhodes faithfully and responsibly addresses the pertinent biblical texts including Heb. 13:4 (at length), 1 Cor. 7:3-5, and selected verses from the Song of Solomon. On the latter the author particularly excels in my estimation. In his quest to exegete faithfully the text, avoiding the tendency to over spiritualize the text, he does not over sexualize the text. He does not find meaning and application where it cannot legitimately be found. I appreciate his fidelity to sound principles of interpretation in his quest to help couples through the maze of proper expression of passion, creativity, and delight in their sexual expression.

Rhodes makes the booklet immensely practical throughout with various applications to the Scriptures he expounds. Most helpful at the end is a seven day plan for cultivating intimacy in one’s marriage, a daily plan to that end that the newest married couple to the oldest will find quite helpful.

He also includes a suggested reading list at the end of the booklet with a recommendation that reveals the gospel heart driving his passion (no pun intended) for promoting healthy sexual expression within the confines of biblical marriage.

I took the risk of purchasing 50 of these booklets in a special offer from one distributor on the strength of these recommendations:

“I highly recommend this book. It is a clear, biblical and practical guide to marital intimacy.”
– Dr. Tom Ascol, Executive Director of Founder’s Ministries

“Get this booklet! In the overly sexualized society that is America today, Ray Rhodes has provided an invaluable service by helping us to think biblically about sex to the glory of God. In a format that is deceptively brief and affordable, Rhodes hands out solid treasures from God’s word that will enrich the lives of every husband and wife who read it. While carefully avoiding the excessive permissiveness or restrictiveness that mar other works, Rhodes is biblical, personal, practical, helpful and enjoyable!”
– Bruce A. Ray, author of Withhold Not Correction and Celebrating the Sabbath, and Secretary of FIRE (Fellowship of Independent Reformed Evangelicals). Bruce is Pastor of Juanita Community Church in Kirkland, WA.

“Marital intimacy is one of the Lord’s greatest gifts to his creatures. Sadly, many couples fail to experience the fullness of that gift. Pastor Ray Rhodes skillfully and sensitively brings husbands and wives to the word of the Creator to rediscover his beautiful design for the marriage bed in this wonderfully helpful book.”
– John Crotts, co-author Tying the Knot Tighter: Because Marriage Lasts a Lifetime (with Martha Peace). John is also the author of Mighty Men and Craftsmen

I debated making this resource available on our book table at the SDA on Sundays but thought better of it in the interest of exercising extreme care in not exposing young eyes to content they do not need to see.

If you would like a copy for you and your spouse, please don’t hesitate to contact the office or shoot me a confidential email and request one. The cost is only $3 and I would be happy to see that you receive a copy.

12 Ways to Love Your Wayward Child

June 30, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , 2 Comments

Back before Father’s Day when I was preparing the sermon on Proverbs 23:12-28, someone sent me a blog post by Abraham Piper from Desiring God about ways to move in redemptively to the life of a prodigal son or daughter. I’ve meant to post it on our blog as a follow up to my message on the best gift you can give your parents, but until now have not had the opportunity.

Mr. Piper explains his intent this way:

Many parents are brokenhearted and completely baffled by their unbelieving son or daughter. They have no clue why the child they raised well is making such awful, destructive decisions. I’ve never been one of these parents, but I have been one of these sons. Reflecting back on that experience, I offer these suggestions to help you reach out to your wayward child.

He covers ideas like point them to Christ, welcome them home, plead with them more than you rebuke them, take an interest in their pursuits, point them to Christ and more. It’s worth the read, especially if you have wayward children that you pray for and long for to come to faith.

You can read the entire post here.

Writing a Tribute to Your Parents

May 8, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , , 5 Comments

Dennis Rainey, in his book The Tribute: Whatever Every Parent Longs to Hear (Thomas Nelson, 1994, 288 pages), advocates every son or daughter writing a tribute of honor to their parents at some point in their life. He also advises presenting that written tribute publicly, usually on some milestone date in their lives.

On July 23 of 2004 my parents marked their 50th wedding anniversary. I struggled with what to give them since they possess so much due to God’s blessing in their lives.

It was then that I read Rainey’s book and found it inspirational, helpful, and practical. He talks about the biblical importance of honor and goes into quite some detail how to write a tribute. He wrestles with tough subjects like how to honor parents who have been abusive and less than honorable in their parenting. He also provides numerous examples of tributes people have sent in over the years. It’s worth the read.

It may be a bit late to write something like this for your Mom with less than twenty-four hours left before Mother’s Day, but I would commend the idea to your thinking for Father’s Day in June or some other event in the future.

I finish this little exhortation with a copy of my version to my folks. They matted and framed a copy and placed it on the family picture wall of their home in Viera. God worked wonderfully that night of their anniversary. My hope is that this might serve to prompt you to do something similar on the right occasion as God leads.

The Best Gift I Can Give
A Tribute to My Parents on their 50th Wedding Anniversary

Dear Dad & Mom,

I wondered long and hard, even prayed, about what present to get you for this momentous occasion. God’s voice was clear. Give them honor. Write a tribute.

Memories from these years as your son came back like a flood. I thank you for them all. I honor you for the earliest memory – joining me on the floor to play with my cowboys and Indians fort. I honor you for the latest memory – turning your 50th into an occasion to gift your children with stunning generosity.

I honor you for all the memories in between – not just for the memories, but for what they represent – love, family, care, commitment. Some of those memories seem more insignificant than others. Certain ones belong to you, Mom. Whipping up the world’s greatest chicken pot pie. Decorating a perfect tree every Christmas Eve. Teaching me how to cook, wash, and even iron for college. Instilling in me the importance of writing thank you notes.

Others come from you, Dad. Tutoring me through Mr. Donnely’s tortuous 7th grade math class. Taking me to see the Phillies play at Connie Mack stadium. Letting me drive the corvette to the prom even though it cost you a night’s sleep. Being able to fix absolutely anything. Making me help build that endless stone wall in Berwyn.

Still more have to do with you both, and the family. Singing “I wish I was a Colorado Marmot” under the Rocky Mountain summer night sky. Tolerating my rock band blasting sixties songs in the garage. Attending all my plays and graduations. Letting me get a hamster. Buying me a 12-string guitar.

I honor you for those lesser memories and these weightier ones. Mom – breaking the generational chain of addiction by trusting Christ as your Savior and relentlessly facing Goliath-like issues with God’s help.

Dad – not just marrying Mom though I came with the package, but even adopting me as your very own son. I gladly bear the family name, Heffelfinger.

Both of you – raising me in the church where I received my call to the ministry. Nurturing my love for music, theater, and speech – recognizing my unique bent and never trying to make me into someone I wasn’t. Refusing to allow my foolish dishonor in leaving college against your wishes to drive an ultimate, endless wedge into our relationship. Standing with me and Nancy in the hardest choices of our lives – leaving CCVF in ’79 and heading for Idaho in ’98.

And certainly on this day, July 23, 2004, I honor you for the testimony of covenant- keeping marriage – for richer or poorer, in sickness and health, until death do you part. In all of this you haven’t been perfect, any more than I or any of us have been perfect. But you have been real, faithful, loving, devoted, and enduring. For these things and so much more, I honor you. I give you tribute. You are exactly what God wanted me to have. Praise be to His name!

Your loving and forever grateful son,

Curt

Leviticus 19:32

30-Day Spouse Encouragement Challenge

April 20, 2010 By in Marriage & Family, Uncategorized Tags: , 6 Comments

Nancy Leigh DeMoss has a one-page article in the Spring 2010 issue of Life Action Ministries Revive magazine that recently caught my attention. She called it The 30-Day Husband Encouragement Challenge.

She leads with Proverbs 31:12 which says that the virtuous wife does her husband good, and not harm, all the days of her life. One way to do that, Demoss argues, is through encouragement.

She issues this two-part challenge:

  1. For the next 30 days, commit to say nothing negative about your husband–not to him, and not to anyone else about him.
  2. Every day for the next 30 days, tell your husband something that you appreciate about him; then tell someone else about it.

Among the numerous responses from women who have taken the challenge illustrating  the power of affirmation of encouragement was this one:

This hasn’t been easy going for me. There’s a lot of hurt and anger and resentment toward my husband to overcome. But you have encouraged me to remember why I fell in love with this guy, what was so special about him. You’ve given me hope for my marriage. I may not be able to change my husband, but I can change m heart and attitude toward him with God’s help. My husband is talking to me more–really talking from his heart. We still have a long way to go, but it is working. Every day gets a little easier, and some of that anger and resentment is fading away. I married a great man. I have just forgotten to nurture him in the day-to-day busyness of our lives. I love my husband (emphasis added).

It seems to me that the challenge can certainly cut both ways. Husbands may very well need to take on the same commitment toward their wives.

Perhaps this is something of what Paul means when he writes in Romans 12:21, Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Does God want you to take the 30-day spouse challenge?