The Peril of Judging a Heart by Externals like Personality
Lately I’ve taken to posting about rules of engagement for constructive conflict resolution within Christ’s church. These pointed lessons come from the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7:1-12.
Most recently, in Judge Not, I addressed Jesus’s starting place with a blunt, red-flag warning forbidding entertaining a censorious, critical spirit toward our brothers and sisters in Christ.
Earlier today I happened across a YouTube video featuring an excellent example of the danger of judging others by externals as captured in 1 Samuel 16:7:
“For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart.”
The 7:15 minute link below contains a portion of conference Q&A session where Pastor John Piper gets asked about an exchange he once had with Pastor John MacArthur about their vastly different personality types. Piper’s answer leads to a most convicting application to Jesus’s teaching about sinful judging.
If you watch to the end, you will also witness Piper’s stunning confession of his own sin which he calls more problematic than even that of lust!
Whatever you think about Piper, MacArthur, or any other passionate, “blow off mouth” (Piper’s own self-description) preacher like me, the Lord may help you resolve all the more to refuse judging another’s “book” based solely on its cover.
Growing up I steered clear of backyard brawling with other kids. Oh I got into a few scrapes here and there—won some, lost some. But as a rule, I wanted nothing to do with neighborhood fisticuffs. Consequently I never learned how to fight well. No great loss actually.
Becoming a follower of Jesus long ago soon revealed the need for a different approach. Over 54 years—36 of them in vocational ministry—I’ve experienced what feels like more than my share of church “fights.” Some of them I’ve caused, some of them not. Either way at some point it became clear I needed to learn how to engage well in fighting for peace with my brothers and sisters in Christ.
When sin threatens relational peace, kingdom people engage constructively.
Jesus gets immensely practical and stunningly direct here. Offenses will certainly come (Luke 17:1, CSB). We all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). There’s no escaping it. The question is how do we handle things when it hits? What guides the way we engage one another’s brokenness? Jesus insists we kingdom-types engage constructively—negatively, three ways we must not engage (1-6); positively, two ways we must engage (7-12).
In this post I want to tackle the first of the three negatives.
Avoid Engaging Judgmentally
“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”
Judge not.
Talk about a notoriously misinterpreted Bible verse! He cannot mean bar none, invariably, without exception. The immediate context alone rules that out—you can see clearly another’s speck (5) and you must discern necessarily dogs and hogs (6). Peace and unity must never come at the expense of truth and holiness. So, what does Jesus forbid? The Amplified Bible gets it right:
Do not judge and criticize and condemn [others unfairly with an attitude of self-righteous superiority as though assuming the office of a judge].
Why must we categorically eschew a critical spirit? Ponder again the first two verses:
“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”
What goes around comes around. What you sow you reap. When? In this life? Likely. More problematically, in the next. Romans 14:10-12 warns:
Why do you pass judgment on your brother? Or you, why do you despise your brother? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God; 11 for it is written, “As I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” 12 So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
When we give way to Pharisaical, self-righteous, holier-than-thou, carping criticism that judges heart motives we cannot discern and dismisses outright others for whom Jesus shed his precious blood, we have presumptuously usurped the throne of judgment. Move over God, that seat is mine. You can expect to get exactly the same before him. He will use the identical measurement on you. For judgment is without mercy to one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment (James 2:13).
The next time you feel tempted to go all-Pharisee on someone waste no time hitting the Matthew 7:1-2 pause button. Refuse to play judge. Don’t you dare drop that gavel. If you do, you will get back from the Lord exactly what you dish out to the target of your judgment.
How to fight well from there without judging this way will continue with my next post.
Rules of Engagement for Constructive “Fighting” in the Kingdom of God
I would have never likely gotten my foot in the door at Baker Books to publish The Peacemaking Church without the help of my mentor and friend Ken Sande, author of The Peacemaker: a Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Founder of Relational Wisdom 360, Ken kindly consented to write the foreword to my book. He kicks off those two pages somewhat tongue-in-cheek: Where two or three come together in Jesus’s name . . . there will soon be conflict. Then he adds, This fact is reflected throughout the New Testament epistles, most of which deal with some kind of conflict in the early church. True enough.
Our Lord’s teaching in the Gospels reflects the same, especially near the close of his Sermon on the Mount. Matthew’s gospel details the good news of Jesus’s first advent from the vantage point of his kingship. Jesus came preaching, The kingdom of God is at hand;repent and believe in the gospel (Mark 1:15). In likely the greatest sermon ever preached, Jesus painted a stunning portrait of the character and lifestyle of true kingdom people—those who’ve repented of their sins and believed on him for salvation. Matthew 7:1-12 tackles how followers of Jesus must engage to fight well for preserving the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace in the local church (Ephesians 4:3).
“Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. 6 Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you. 7 Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. 9 Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? 11 If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him! 12 So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”
Here is the main idea to summarize the thrust of our Lord’s instruction:
When sin threatens relational peace, kingdom people engage constructively, not destructively.
Jesus gets immensely practical and stunningly direct here. Offenses will certainly come (Luke 17:1, CSB). We all stumble in many ways (James 3:2). There’s no escaping it. The question is how do we handle things when it hits? What guides the way we engage one another’s brokenness? Jesus insists we kingdom-types engage constructively, not destructively.
Negatively, there are three ways we must not engage—judgmentally, hypocritically, and indiscriminately (vv. 1-6). And positively, there are two ways we must engage—dependently and lovingly (vv. 7-12).
In my next couple of posts, I hope to unpack helpful specifics for each of Jesus’s five rules of engagement for constructive, not destructive “fighting” within the kingdom ranks.
Grappling with One of the Scariest Lines in the Bible
“I need to work on my grace and forgiveness.” With that candid confession, my friend summed up his feelings about a longtime unresolved conflict with once close friends. No doubt you can relate. Few, if any of us, escape the pain of broken relationships that show no sign of mending.
What to do? Take your cue from my friend. Why? Because Jesus threatens terrifying consequences if we fail to forgive. In the Lord’s instruction about how to pray in Matthew’s gospel, the fifth petition reads: And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors (6:12). This petition alone gets an appendix—a footnote, if you will—from Jesus at the end of the prayer. For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses(emphasis added, 14-15).
Grapple with this sobering reality. Forgive or else. Holding fast to an unforgiving spirit toward anyone puts you at risk of eternal punishment. Martyn-Lloyd Jones explains:
The proof that you and I are forgiven is that we forgive others. If we think that our sins are forgiven by God and we refuse to forgive somebody else, we are making a mistake; we have never been forgiven. The man who knows he has been forgiven, only in and through the blood of Christ, is a man who must forgive others. He cannot help himself. If we really know Christ as our Saviour our hearts are broken and cannot be hard, and we cannot refuse forgiveness. If you are refusing forgiveness to anybody, I suggest that you have never been forgiven.
This is the emphasis of Ephesians 4:32. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. And again, in Colossians 3:12-13: Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
John Piper concurs:
God’s forgiveness is underneath ours and creates it and supports it. So that if we don’t give it to others—if we go on in an unforgiving spirit—what we show is that God is not there in our lives. We are not trusting him. And not trusting him will keep us out of heaven. And cause us to be handed over to the tormentors.
Consider five takeaways to help guard against unforgiveness, adapted from Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker.
One, remember God’s forgiveness. Focus often on just how much God has forgiven you. Beware of taking God’s mercy to you for granted while withholding it from others. The sins of others against us are not more serious than our sins against God. If the Holy Spirit is convicting you today of unforgiveness toward someone, admit it to the Lord, believe the gospel of grace once more which covers that sin, and obey again in the freedom from resentment only He can give. Perhaps you’ve never turned from your sin to trust in Christ. He paid the price for every fault including bitterness and resentment. Come to Him by faith today for forgiveness and get right with God. He’ll give you a new heart and the power to be gracious and forgiving toward others.
Two, practice the virtue of overlooking. Proverbs 19:11 says, Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. The more we practice takeaway #1, seeing and savoring God’s forgiveness of us, the more likely we are to forgive a multitude of sins unilaterally in others. Of course, that is not always possible. In that case . . .
Three, distinguish between two stages of forgiveness. Ideally forgiveness is granted to a confession and repentance for an offense (Luke 17:3-4). That’s transactional forgiveness. But that doesn’t always happen right away and sometimes never happens in this lifetime. While you wait, rely on God’s strength to practice a dispositional forgiveness. This is an attitude that stands ready to transact forgiveness upon repentance with a Jesus-like on the cross “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” kind of grace and mercy (Luke 23:34).
Four, claim Romans 8:28—God working for your good. Even the wrongs others do to us have a plan in God’s sovereignty. Ken Sande writes: When you perceive that the person who has wronged you is being used as an instrument in God’s hand to help you mature, serve others, and glorify him, it may be easier for you to move ahead with forgiveness.
Five, draw on God’s strength. You can’t do this on your own. Try as you might, especially in the face of the worst of offenses, to forgive without God’s mercy and grace empowering you, guarantees failure and bondage to bitterness. But a Philippians 4:13—I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me—dependence enables forgiveness of even the worst of offenses.
We followers of Jesus are the most forgiven people in the world. We should therefore be the most forgiving people in the world through Christ and the hope of His glorious gospel. There is no right praying without that. Scarier still, there is no legitimate salvation assurance without it as well.
Upon retirement I gave away a number of books from my personal library. Among the ones I kept and that lately has captured a part of my quiet time reflection comes from the pen of Puritan Jeremiah Burroughs (1599-1646). The Saints’ Happiness: Forty-One Sermons on the Beatitudes, includes no less than four messages on Matthew 5:9.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
In this post, I have captured a sample of Burrough’s best on this subject so crucial to a legitimate claim to the identity child of God. Read and pursue your happiness, saint!
It is interesting to note the placement of this Beatitude—it is the seventh in order. In Proverbs 6, we find a list of seven things that the Lord hates, and the seventh item mentioned is “one who sows discord among brethren.” In contrast to God’s hatred, the seventh blessing pronounced is upon the peace-makers.
Those who keep themselves pure, with clean hearts and consciences, are peaceable and capable of making peace with others.
A contrary disposition—one that is stubborn and perverse—is cursed. But a peaceable, gentle, and quiet disposition is blessed. Moreover, it is even more blessed to be an instrument in bringing about peace in the places where we live and among those with whom we interact. In the present times, there is a great need for peace-makers.
Blessed are those who, having experienced the blessedness of peace themselves and having obtained peace with God, earnestly desire to bring others into reconciliation with Him. Blessed is the person who, in a gracious manner, labors to draw others into peace with God and whom God blesses in these endeavors.
Jesus Christ’s heart is so committed to being a peace-maker between the world and God that He willingly sheds His blood and even becomes a curse. Consider, you children of men, the vast distance that existed between God and you, and how Christ— both God and man—had to intervene to make peace between you and God. He shed His blood and became a curse to accomplish this great work of God. This, my brethren, is the great mystery of godliness. We should spend our days in admiration, standing, wondering, and blessing our Saviour, the great peace-maker.
To meddle with the subject of peace between man and man is one of the most challenging tasks for any minister, especially during such times. It is difficult because people’s hearts are impure, filled with filth and uncleanness, and how does one go about making peace with them? It is difficult because hardly anyone can bring themselves to acknowledge that they are in any way responsible for the lack of peace among others.
A person who wishes to meddle in matters of peace among others must first ensure that their own relationship with God is well. They must possess a peaceable disposition themselves. If someone of a froward or turbulent disposition were to speak of peace and denounce divisions, everyone would be ready to challenge them. They must exhibit much self-denial, not considering themselves or their own party in any way, but aiming purely for God’s glory and the public good. Therefore, it is evidence of much grace in the heart, and thus the person is blessed. They are blessed when they handle matters wisely, prudently, and graciously.
When you are tempted to a fit of passion, know that the devil expects a great deal of sin to follow. Now blessed are the peace-makers, for they are the means to prevent an abundance of sin. That is a most blessed thing. What greater blessing can a person have than to be an instrument in preventing sin? It is a blessed thing to prevent even one sin, but to be an instrument in preventing so much sin must undoubtedly be blessed.
Blessed are the peace-makers, for they are instrumental for God in a work that He greatly delights in. When you read the Scriptures, you will find no duty more emphasized, backed by arguments, motives, and persuasions, and no duty that has stronger exhortations than peace. Read the Epistles to the Philippians, Ephesians, Colossians, Romans, and Corinthians, and you will consistently find that peace is what the Holy Spirit most persuades men to pursue. Even Christ Himself, the great peace-maker, is concerned not only with peace between God and us but also between man and man.
If people do not have wicked and vile hearts, when their corruption is stirred, and they have bitter thoughts and desperate resolutions, if God sends a person of peace to them—someone who approaches them with a calm and peaceable spirit, persuades them with scripture, and quells their boiling emotions, cooling their passionate hearts and dampening their desperate resolutions—then, if they are not desperately wicked, they will see cause to bless God for it. They will say, “Well, blessed be God who sent such a person to prevent me. I now see that I would have done something I would have later regretted.”
Want to read more? You can access an eBook version on Monergism. More to come soon in a series of posts.
In coaching sessions with folks in conflict with others, I frequently quote Romans 12:18.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
We can’t hope to control what someone else does about our issue with them, but we can take ownership of our personal approach to the situation. Love constrained by the gospel of Jesus as described in the immediate context (Romans 12:9-17), pulls out all the stops to achieve reconciliation. But what if all attempts fail? Even worse, what if our conciliatory efforts result in increased hostility and sinful behavior from the other party?
Even then gospel love kicks things up another notch. The rest of Romans 12 calls for nothing less than a supernaturally aided, two-fold strategy.
19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Tactic #1 Never try to get even. Leave things with God who rights every wrong in due time. Instead, employ tactic #2: Treat your enemy just the opposite. Don’t repay evil for evil. Refuse to get even; overcome evil with good.
In Robert Peterson’s biography of Robert Chapman: Apostle of Love, he relates a story from the much-beloved life of the 19th century British pastor. It beautifully illustrates the power of a Romans-12 kind of overcoming love.
A grocer in Barnstaple became so upset when Chapman was preaching in the open air that he strode up to where Chapman was standing and spit on him. Later one of Robert’s wealthy relatives came to Barnstaple to visit him and to try and understand his activities. Arriving by horse-drawn cab at the address given to him, the relative at first would not believe that Chapman lived in such a simple abode in such a poor neighborhood. Chapman ushered him into the clean but simple interior and explained what living in dependence on the Lord meant and how the Lord had provided for all his needs.
The relative asked if he could purchase groceries for him. Chapman gladly assented but stipulated that he must buy the food from a certain grocer. The relative went there, made a large purchase, and paid the bill. When the grocer learned that the food was to be delivered to R. C. Chapman, he said that the visitor must have come to the wrong shop. Chapman’s relative, however, replied that Chapman himself had specifically directed him to that shop. The grocer, who had viciously attacked and castigated Chapman for years, broke down in tears. Soon he came to Chapman’s house, asked forgiveness, and yielded his life to Christ.
Perhaps we can’t truly say we’ve done all we possibly can as peacemakers, until we heap some burning coals of good upon the evil heads that spit on us.
A Review of Dr. Tim Cooper’s Book (Crossway, 2024)
Subtitled “Lessons from the Fractured Relationship of John Owen and Richard Baxter,” this helpful peacemaking resource opens with a spoiler alert: “There is no happy ending.” In these 167 pages, readers face a reality check.
Relationships rupture even among the best of believers. With this summary tale from seventeenth century English Christianity, we force down a bitter pill: two of church history’s giant leaders bickered over decades only to bog down “into a fixed and mutual dislike.”
They went to glory unreconciled. No happy ending indeed. Before reading further or after, you may wish to view here for a biblical account with a happier conclusion:
Or perhaps not entirely sad, if we learn the lessons that a four-hundred-year-past dispute offers. Cooper wrote this book with just that aim in mind. He performs a thorough Owen/Baxter relational postmortem. He records insightful observations and practical conclusions for negotiating our own context of conflict.
You need not fear the theological and historical sections interspersed throughout the book. They provide the necessary contexts for gleaning the peacemaking takeaways to be had. The rewards warrant any effort required by those who feel challenged by such content.
Cooper writes charitably. While leaning hard into Owen and Baxter’s faults for the purposes of this study, he doesn’t fail to remind us of the many virtues and gospel good works on display in their stories—both literarily and pastorally. They were indeed two good men, but like all of us, a mixed bag.
What follows this balanced disclaimer is a dissection of multiple forces—outside their control—which profoundly shaped the men over time. The author argues persuasively for how these things contributed to their relational demise.
He details their experience of a civil war, their geographical settings, their contrasting personalities, their theological debates (argued in print), their initial contact, their eventual in-person collision (ironically in a project designed to foster unity and mend division), and, last but not least, their lingering memory of past hurts that left them both bitter and resentful. Good grief! What a mess. Sound familiar? If so, you need to read this book.
You will find particularly helpful, as did I, the book’s conclusion. Cooper muses over five possibilities which may have resulted in a happy ending, not a sad one. What if there had been a mediator to assist them? What if they had focused more on what held them together and less on what drove them apart? What if they had paid more attention to the many Bible verses which summon us to unity and concord? What if they had manifested greater humility and less pride in their dealings with one another? Ouch! What if they could see what we can see with the advantage of distance and hindsight?
Do we see? If so, Dr. Cooper will have achieved his aim: “In understanding their story, perhaps we can better understand our own narratives. If we can see what they missed, perhaps we will have a much clearer idea of what we may be missing.”
Recently I’ve returned to a helpful practice I learned early on in my spiritual journey. Each morning I read a chapter of the book of Proverbs for that day of the month.
This time around I’m observing just how many verses contain valuable peacemaking insights. When I come across such verses, I often consult my favorite commentary on Proverbs by Charles Bridges.
Two days ago I paused on verse one of chapter 15:
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Bridges’ thoughts make for a worthwhile read:
WHAT a mine of practical wisdom is this Book of God! Let us ponder this valuable rule for self-discipline, family peace, and Church unity. Scripture often illustrates the different effects of the tongue. The soft answer is the water to quench–Grievous words are the oil to stir up, the fire. And this is, alas! man’s natural propensity, to feed rather than to quench, the angry flame. We yield to irritation; retort upon our neighbour; have recourse to self-justification; insist upon the last word; say all that we could say; and think we “do well to be angry.” (Jonah iv. 9.) Neither party gives up an atom of the will. Pride and passion on both sides strike together like two flints; and “behold! how great a matter a little fire kindleth!” (Jam. iii. 5.) Thus there is the self-pleasing sarcasm; as if we had rather lose a friend, than miss a clever stroke. All this the world excuses as a sensitive and lively temper. But the gospel sets before us our Saviour’s example; imbues with his spirit; and imparts that blessed “charity, that is not easily provoked;” and therefore is careful not to provoke a chafed or wounded spirit. If others begin, let us forbear from continuing the strife. ‘Patience is the true peace-maker.’ Soft and healing words gain a double victory—over ourselves and our brother.
Our church reopened last Sunday! After six long, challenging weeks of stay-at-home lockdown, we eagerly gathered for worship in stage one of Idaho’s Rebound plan.
Given health risks, we observed safety protocols. Everything got sanitized. Social distancing was employed. We cancelled our regular weekly luncheon together.
Thankfully we survived week one of the new abnormal—but it wasn’t easy. Honestly, last week was the toughest this pastor pushed through thus far in his short tenure at Trinity.
Health issues aside, another threat posed by the pandemic tends to keep me awake at night.
One blogger astutely asked: “What will it matter if we re-assimilate only to end up ‘socially distant’ again not because of a virus, but because of our inability to love others who approach COVID-19 differently than we do?”
Great question!
Consider four ways to minimize the looming relational risks.
One, Pray for Leaders
Someone has to call the ball. Sheep are not stupid; they are dependent on good shepherds to serve them. Wisdom is needed everywhere.
Paul pleads of first importance “that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people–for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way (1 Tim. 2:1-2).”
What might change if we pray more for leaders at every level than we post criticism on social media about their judgments?
Two, Be Patient
I’m in Indiana Jones mode these days—making things up as I go along! They don’t teach “Pastoring in Pandemics” in seminary.
I feel in over my head. This thing seems way above my paygrade. The challenge to get things right grows bigger each day.
Leaders need followers who remember the first mark of love is patience (1 Cor. 13:4).
Three, Do Peacemaking
Opinions on all things COVID abound. With them comes the potential for sharp disagreements. What are we to do?
Of all the conciliatory principles I could cite, I suggest at least these three guidelines for avoiding falling out with others, if at all possible.
“Each one should be fully convinced in his own mind” (Rom. 14:5).
“Let us not pass judgment on one another” (Rom. 14:13).
“Welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you” (Rom. 15:7).
We need to give others a wide berth in figuring things out, in the same way we desire for them to treat us (Matt. 7:12).
Four, Keep Perspective
Days after Nancy, my first wife, died of cancer, a lunatic gunned down 49 souls at Orlando’s Pulse nightclub.
KLTY radio 94.9 in Dallas-Ft. Worth asked me the ultimate question. Why? Among my answers: We live in a sin-broken world. Romans 8:22 explains: “the whole creation has been groaning in the pains of childbirth until now.”
Hardships like COVID shout to us, “This is not the way things are supposed to be. But it is not the way things will always be.” “We wait eagerly for adoption as sons” (Rom. 8:23).
Jesus will come again to make all things new! That’s the big-picture perspective.
Hope for that—but wait for it with patience (Rom. 8:25).
Question: What’s one thing which helps you love others with whom you differ?
