Tag Archives: communication

SOFT ANSWER, DOUBLE VICTORY

October 17, 2020 By in Peacemaking Tags: , , Leave a comment

Peacemaking Wisdom from Proverbs

Recently I’ve returned to a helpful practice I learned early on in my spiritual journey. Each morning I read a chapter of the book of Proverbs for that day of the month.

This time around I’m observing just how many verses contain valuable peacemaking insights. When I come across such verses, I often consult my favorite commentary on Proverbs by Charles Bridges.

Two days ago I paused on verse one of chapter 15:

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Bridges’ thoughts make for a worthwhile read:

WHAT a mine of practical wisdom is this Book of God! Let us ponder this valuable rule for self-discipline, family peace, and Church unity. Scripture often illustrates the different effects of the tongue. The soft answer is the water to quench–Grievous words are the oil to stir up, the fire. And this is, alas! man’s natural propensity, to feed rather than to quench, the angry flame. We yield to irritation; retort upon our neighbour; have recourse to self-justification; insist upon the last word; say all that we could say; and think we “do well to be angry.” (Jonah iv. 9.) Neither party gives up an atom of the will. Pride and passion on both sides strike together like two flints; and “behold! how great a matter a little fire kindleth!”  (Jam. iii. 5.) Thus there is the self-pleasing sarcasm; as if we had rather lose a friend, than miss a clever stroke. All this the world excuses as a sensitive and lively temper. But the gospel sets before us our Saviour’s example; imbues with his spirit; and imparts that blessed “charity, that is not easily provoked;” and therefore is careful not to provoke a chafed or wounded spirit. If others begin, let us forbear from continuing the strife. ‘Patience is the true peace-maker.’ Soft and healing words gain a double victory—over ourselves and our brother.

Two for the price of one. You can’t beat that.

A WAY OF LOVE IN THE NEW ABNORMAL

May 19, 2020 By in Spiritual Life Tags: , 3 Comments
Ten Resolves from 1 Corinthians 13 for COVID-19 Reopening

My truck registration needed renewal. The Idaho County county courthouse finally opened again for business last week.

Upon arrival I was immediately greeted with what I call the new abnormal post-Coronavirus.

A LINE!

It stretched into the hall with six feet between folks required no less.

I didn’t move to rural America from crowded Orlando to wait in any more insufferable lines, or traffic for that matter!!

Welcome to the new not-so-normal world of emerging from COVID-19 lockdown.

Then I heard that painful, still, small inaudible voice–again.

“Curtis Heffelfinger (that’s what Jan calls me when she wants to get my attention), you are still not the most patient man on the planet, eh?”

Um, I guess not.

Then I remembered the sermon I had just preached the previous Sunday, Mother’s Day, “The Greatest of These”–1 Corinthians 13:1-13.

I wondered how the love chapter’s verses 4-7, which detail love’s active ingredients, might shape my way and perhaps others forward through the pandemic recovery.

I arrived at the following ten resolves, all desperately requiring the Lord’s help for my weakness:

One, I will manifest patience as I wait in lines for needed services, dutifully standing on my X marks the spot.

Two, I will treat essential workers and everyone I encounter with kindness, thanking them for their service with a smile.

Three, I won’t envy younger people wishing that I at age 67 were at lesser risk than they.

Four, I won’t boast that I happen to live in a county which still has only three confirmed cases. I could just as easily still be on lockdown with those I love in Central Florida.

Five, I won’t be rude to others who differ with me about the innumerable COVID-19 challenges which generate such wide and vigorously held opinions.

Six, I won’t insist on my own way in leading our church forward but rather carefully listen to the concerns of our people and the counsel of my fellow elders before arriving at decisions.

Seven, I won’t give way to irritability with others. Rather I will overlook offenses whenever possible, allowing for the real effect of denied privileges and even significant losses in their lives.

Eight, I won’t succumb to resentment for the Lord’s providence in permitting a pandemic He could have just as easily prevented.

Nine, I won’t rejoice in the evil of unrest, rebellion, and incivility which abound, but rejoice with every truth yet to be revealed about these once-in-my-lifetime experiences.

Ten, I will bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things, whatever the new abnormal brings, because I’ve built my house upon the rock of Jesus and His truth.

No rain, floods, winds, or virus can beat upon this house to make it fall (Matt. 7:24-27).

That alone explains such resolves of love and the grace to act, albeit imperfectly, upon them.

And so I must ask:

Is your house built upon the rock and in these difficult times does the fragrance of love fill its every room?

MAKE EVERY EFFORT

October 2, 2019 By in unity Tags: , , 3 Comments

Peacemaking 101 for Eagerly Preserving Church Unity

Average Customer Service Evaluation Form

What is something at which you very much want to excel? Some passion, skill, or gift you pursue where you won’t settle for average?

There are many things believers should do based upon who we are in Christ. Some of them get a do-your-best emphasis.

Consider Ephesians 4:3:  Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.

Do you care enough about peacemaking in your church that you strive to excel at it (Heb. 12:14)?

After three chapters of unpacking the gospel—who we are in Christ and what He has done for us in reconciling us to Himself and bringing peace in one body—Paul pivots in Ephesians 4:1 with “therefore”—walk in a manner worthy of your calling.

What does that look like? Make every effort to guard the oneness of the fellowship.

Here are three of the most important ways you can excel in this regard.

Whenever you Pray, Ask a lot for Others for Peace

James 4:2 says, You do not have because you do not ask. Prayerlessness lies at the root of many church ills, including disunity.

In the Sermon on the Mount (Matt. 7:7-11), Jesus taught on prayer—ask, seek, knock.

Those words in the context come right after Jesus’s instructions about peacemaking (7:1-6). Don’t judge. Get the log out of your own eye. Don’t cast your pearls before swine.

Good grief! No wonder the Lord taught about prayer right after that. If we are going to excel at peacemaking and preserving unity in our churches, we are going to need God’s help and plenty of it. So pray specifically for peacemaking challenges in your church. 

Whenever You Can, Overlook a lot in Others for Peace

Proverbs 19:11 counsels, Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Put another way, do not be easily offended. Overlooking offenses—forgiving them summarily without confrontation whenever you possibly can—that’s peacemaking wisdom.

Solomon calls it a glory, a beautiful thing, an honor. Why? Because that’s when we most resemble the Lord (Col. 3:13).

You can put up with a whole lot more from others than you give Jesus credit for in you!

Whenever You Must, Talk a lot to Others for Peace

We can’t always overlook. Sometimes confronting is necessary. What must we do?

Talk to the person. Jesus taught, If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone (Matt. 18:15) . I am amazed how often we duck this responsibility altogether or put it off indefinitely. 

Oh, we’ll talk to others for sure, but way too often someone other than the brother or sister who has ticked us off—and we call that what? GOSSIP. And God hates it when we sow discord among brothers (Proverbs 6:19 calls it ‘an abomination’).

Make every effort. Pray a lot. Overlook a lot. Talk a lot.

Do these things in the power of the Spirit motivated by forgiving gospel grace and you will excel at preserving the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace!

Question: What else has helped you excel at peacemaking in your church?

NOT YOUR AVERAGE MARRIAGE SERMON

April 26, 2019 By in Peacemaking Tags: , Leave a comment

Peacemaking Love To Cover a Multitude of Sins

Couple with their backs turned to each other

I require every couple I marry to commit to six premarital counseling sessions with Jan and me. Our aim is to equip the bride and groom-to-be for a lifetime of marital delight and staying power for the long haul in their two-are-better-than-one union (Ecc. 4:9-12).

Conflict resolution skills matter immensely to that goal because every husband and wife sin against one another–a lot. In fact, it requires an earnest kind of love that covers a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8).

That takes something more than a toolkit of communication principles. It requires a supernatural source of motivation and a vision for marriage on a grander scale than most couples bring to the engagement process.

So the first homework assignment I give is for the two of them to watch this message by John Piper. It’s called “Love Her More, Love Her Less: Living for God’s Glory in Marriage.” It is NOT your average marriage sermon by any means.

In reality it contains hope for persevering love that covers a multitude of sins in every context, not just marriage. I commend the 22 minute investment of time to anyone needing more peacemaking love he/she thinks they can summon in dealing with fellow-sinners in the home, at the church, on the job, or wherever else they may be found–just about everywhere.

Question: What one thing can you do to increase your knowledge of and delight in the glory of God?

JUST SAY NO TO “E-MAULING”

April 24, 2018 By in Peacemaking Tags: , 4 Comments

Three Steps to Avoid Making Conflict Worse by E-mail

Difficult Conversations

Jan laughed out loud while texting on her phone.

She went to input the word “e-mail” only for her finger to slip from the “i” to the “u.”

It came out “e-maul.” I had to laugh too.

Then it hit me. It happens. We get “emauled” by someone upset with us or vice versa.

Know what I mean? Not so funny, is it?

Criticism, judgment, blame–just to name a few of my favorite things–can come packaged in blistering digital correspondence.

The temptation is all too familiar as well. Fire back a well-deserved “e-maul” in return!

Before long a conflict grows.

Practicing three guidelines when reading an “e-maul” can help prevent an escalation of tensions.

These come from Stone, Patton, and Heen’s bestselling book Difficult Conversations: How To Discuss What Matters Most (pp. 274-75).

One, question your attributions. E-mail as a form of serial monologue works great for information and affirmation.

It rarely, if ever, contributes to effective confrontation.

It lacks the non-verbal cues necessary to help size up a sender’s intentions–tough enough to read in face-to-face dialogue–behind what’s written.

The authors suggest a first step:

Remind yourself that you don’t actually know their intentions. Your initial reading is likely to be off-target as on. The sender may have mixed or even positive intentions, or, most often, no particular intention about you at all.

Two, hit pause. If an “e-maul” hijacks you with strong negative emotions, take a timeout.

Walk away long enough to allow for a more rational balanced response. More from the experts:

Often you’ll have the strange sensation of wondering why you felt so bent out of shape. But if, after taking some time, you’re still revved up, move to step three.

Three, pick up the phone or talk in person. I can’t improve on this counsel:

Bottom line: You can’t resolve an e-mail conflict with e-mail. For all practical purposes there are no exceptions to this rule. Once any sort of emotion enters the arena — annoyance, confusion, hurt, anxiety — it’s time to switch your mode of communication. “But I’m a good, clear writer,” you think. “I’ll be extra careful and thoughtful, and I’ll even take the high road.” Don’t get suckered in. Anything you write during a conflict can be taken the wrong way. … So save yourself a heap of trouble and pick up the phone or talk in person.

The ancient wisdom writer warns, A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Prov. 15:1).

What goes for dialogue goes double for e-mail monologue–or should I say “e-maulologue?”

Just say no to “e-mauling.”

Question: What other tips do you have for a peacemaking ethic when it comes to using e-mail?

THE POWER OF QUESTIONS IN PEACEMAKING

February 11, 2016 By in Peacemaking Tags: , , 2 Comments

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This morning I shared with Nancy, my wife, my struggle over choosing a killer title for a prospective post.  After a brief pause, she said to me, “Babe, do you think it’s safe to go there?”

I’ve learned the hard way to listen up when my bride ventures her opinion. That writing idea went home to be with Jesus in a hurry.

However, our exchange got me thinking. My wife’s approach reminded me of one of the most effective strategies do-your-best peacemakers can employ for preserving unity at home, work, church, or anywhere for that matter.

I’m talking about the power of asking questions. King Solomon wrote, The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out (Prov. 20:5).

In all my years of doing peacemaking, I’ve never known any tool more effective for drawing out someone’s heart than that of asking skillful questions. When I wade into a conflict, inevitably I ask a ton of them.

Here are five categories of peacemaking power questions to make you a better guardian of oneness in all your relationships:

Category #1 EXAMINATION QUESTIONS

Many thanks to David Powlison at CCEF for his effective word picture for examining ourselves. In any peacemaking encounter you must start first with assessing your own motives. He lists a number of these in X-Ray Questions: Discerning Functional Gods.

My favorite? What do you want, desire, crave, lust, and wish for? Effective peacemakers remove any logs from their own eye before they ever attempt surgery on specks elsewhere (Matt. 7:3-5).

Category #2 COMMUNICATION QUESTIONS

We could cover a bunch of these. Let me give you my favorite. What did I miss? Around Orlando Grace Church our members hear me say this rather often: Never underestimate the capacity for communication to break down.

Humility dresses itself in the assumption that I may have somehow failed to get the right message (1 Pet. 5:5). Give that benefit of the doubt up front and watch peacemaking barriers fall.

Category #3 SUGGESTION QUESTIONS

These can take any number of forms depending upon the issue. The point is simple: instead of declaring a judgment, ask a question. My wife has mastered this art over the years. This morning she could have hammered me with, That’s a terrible idea!

But she would have accomplished only one thing—the opposite response she desired. Nancy ventured a question to engage me rather than put me on the defensive. Man, does it pay to marry a Matt. 10:16 woman!

Category #4 PERSUASION QUESTIONS

This may count as the money question for the peacemaking toolkit. I use it all the time. Help me understand your greatest concern about _____ ?

Just the other day it came in handy with my mom. We had locked horns over an issue for a while. After broaching the subject another time, I asked this very question with all the 5th commandment respect I could muster. I drilled down to the interest driving her position. She admitted it to me and we were off and running to a solution.

I have blogged about this essential aspect of peacemaking elsewhere. I cannot overstate the importance of its efficacy in reaching agreement with others when positions clash. Scuba dive beneath someone’s stance to discern their major interests.

Category #5 MEDIATION QUESTIONS

As with the other categories, questions helpful in assisted peacemaking take on many forms. One of my favorites resembles my persuasion question. In mediation I tweak it like this: What’s the worst thing that could happen if this deal doesn’t turn out in your favor?

James targets passions at war within us as the source of conflicts and quarrels (James 4:1). Wise mediators labor to dig deep into opponents to root out the heart idols stoking their passions.

Do you desire to excel as a preserver of peace in your relationships? Master the art of asking questions and watch your skills rise to a whole new level.

Question: What other questions have you discovered make you a better peacemaker? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

 

Titus 3:2 & Marital Communication

February 17, 2010 By in Marriage & Family Tags: , , Leave a comment

When I do marriage counseling as a pastor I often hear the same lament. We just don’t know how to communicate.

Recently I heard it again. The couple described the tenor of the relationship as one of yelling at each other, and not just occasionally but fairly often.

I immediately thought of Titus 3:2. Paul exhorts Titus to instruct believers in the church at Crete on how to live out the gospel in a life of good works in the world. Among other things that includes speaking evil of no one, avoiding quarreling, being gentle, and showing perfect courtesy toward all people.

I made the secondary application to marriage for obvious reasons. Who more important to show perfect courtesy toward than your spouse?

That led to a list of principles of communication in marriage or any relationship for that matter rooted in a Titus 3:2 theology of peacemaking.

  1. Stay in the “I” and avoid the “you.” In other words, self-report, don’t accuse. Instead of saying, You are judging me when you say something like that, frame things something like this: I struggle with feeling judged when I hear something like that.
  2. Listen carefully. Don’t interrupt. I don’t know how many times in marital counseling I hear a spouse talk over their partner rather than hearing things out to the end.
  3. Do everything you can by the power of the gospel to stay composed. Once your conversation deteriorates to yelling you’ve lost the battle and maybe the war.
  4. Ask questions in order to draw out the heart. Instead of stating conclusions and making ultimatums, seek to get at what’s behind your spouse’s position or choices by asking things like, Can you help me understand why that matters so much to you?
  5. Give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible that the problem may be only a failure to communicate rather than a deliberate sin. One of my most often used proverbial expressions is Never underestimate the capacity for communication to break down. Work hard to communicate so as not to be misunderstood, not just to be understood.
  6. Practice the golden rule. Do to others as you would have them do to you. Ask yourself if your manner of communicating reflects how you would want someone else to engage you in a conflict or misunderstanding. If it doesn’t, repent.
  7. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger (Eph. 4:26). Few things hinder communication more than failing to deal decisively and constructively with your anger in a timely manner.
  8. If you haven’t already done so, read Ken Sande’s The Peacemaker or Peacemaking for Families. You’ll have to anyway if you come to me for marital counseling for further help on your communication. Might as well get a leg up on the homework.

Marital dynamics in one sense aren’t rocket science. Paul boiled it down to two things in Eph. 5:33. Wives need love from their husbands and husbands need respect from their wives. Men, does the way you communicate reflect love? Women, does the way you communicate reflect respect? If the banner of Titus 3:2 waves over the way you communicate with your spouse, the answer will be yes.