This from 9.06.05’s journal:

I know I’m not, but I felt abandoned last night. I kept praying as I turned off the lights, “Please don’t abandon me, God.” It wasn’t a good day. I was more tired than usual. Slept until 1:00 PM. Felt nauseous most of the day. Threw up around dinner time. Tongue is still sore. Mouth is still sore. Cheeks are swollen. Lip is still scabbing. It just goes on forever. Mucous still forming. What a routine of drudgery. When will relief come? Lord, have mercy!

I am rebuked by Bonhoeffer’s final letter to his wife or betrothed. He never felt abandoned for all the support he had. I feel ashamed.

During treatment I read Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s Letters & Papers from Prison. I highly recommend it to anyone traversing the twists and turns of the road called suffering.